Words

I have all of these posts in my drafts...

posts about family, friends, a random outfit post,

you know,

the usual stuff.

I had a post for today talking about my amazing family,

but every time I go to edit it,

I start thinking of Newtown, Connecticut.

I am always thinking about Newtown.

Now in every draft I say something about Newtown first,

but it just doesn't seem like enough.

I don't think a few words, a blog post, a prayer, a tweet,

will ever be enough.

The fact that tragedies like this keep happening in this beautiful nation,

shows that we are just not doing enough.

But what is enough?

I certainly don't have the answers.

Most of us don't.

We all have our own political beliefs,

our own set of opinions,

our own specializations, careers, qualifications, personal experiences that lead us to rally behind a certain cause,

but in the end we are all looking for the same thing...

a solution...

answers...

grappling to find hope in a seemingly hopeless situation.

I want to be honest on this space,

I am scared.

I cried all day on friday.

I am not a mother,

I did not lose a child,

and I did not personally experience the horror that took place,

and yet I cried all day, like most of america.

My heart ached for each loss.

My stomach hurt for every life taken too soon,

for the pure and innocent children who will never grow up to experience the beautiful parts of life,

or their parents who will never watch them go through the journey.

I am afraid to have children.

I am scared to bring them into a world I am unsure of,

a world where there is evil,

where they could experience levels of pain that are not of the norm.

I am afraid to have a child that contributes to the evil.

I don't talk faith much on this blog,

if ever,

but

I believe in God.

I have read the bible cover to cover.

I know the scriptures.

I lived by Joshua 1:9

but I don't think that there is anything that can bring a sense of comfort in the aftermath of this tragedy.

I believe in the goodness of people.

I believe in our nation even when something as big as friday tells me to believe in everything BUT my nation.

I  believe in humanity.

I know, that in spite of every act of evil,

there is also so much good,

like the teachers who sacrificed their lives to protect their children that day.

Heroes.

I can believe in all of the above and more,

and I do,

but it still does not relieve the uneasy feeling I have about bringing another life into this world,

where they could be shot in their school,

or get a terminal illness,

or have a mental illness,

or hurt someone else,

or.

or.

or.

It is a lot to wrap my mind around,

and I can usually logically work through any situation.

There is just so much uncertainty,

and there isn't a single person that can say otherwise.

All we can do is hope,
love,
and attempt to alter ourselves for the better.

My thoughts, prayers, and love are with all affected by the tragedy in Newtown.