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The decision to not have kids at your wedding
is probably one of the choices that comes with the most backlash.
(next to not allowing everyone and their mother to have a plus one...another topic for another day)
OF COURSE you have to have kids at your wedding.
Flower girls, ring bearers,
who will do these adorable tasks?!
I am just going to come right out and say it,
Stephen and I are having an adults only wedding.
This was not a situation where one person had to convince the other,
it was just a given for both of us,
but we knew we would possibly be met with some upset parents.
Don't get us wrong,
we LOVE kids.
Stephen would have kids yesterday if it were up to him,
and I have only dedicated the majority of my life and time to working with children.
and I have only dedicated the majority of my life and time to working with children.
That is how much I love them.
But,
we both, personally, want our wedding to be kid free.
We want parents to come and have a night out,
let loose,
eat good food,
drink good drinks,
and dance the night away.
We don't want 8pm to roll around and have people saying their goodbyes because they have to put the baby to bed.
In the church when that cute little toddler starts singing, or crying, or running around and yelling
"can we go home now!?"
and all eyes shift to the little one,
instead of the bride and groom.
This was not an easy choice for us to come to,
(I mean it kinda was, but it did not come without some awkward moments and conversations)
considering I have almost TEN friends who are currently about to push out a baby
(one of them is having twins).
I have a few more that already have children,
or have just given birth,
one of them being Stephen's younger sister.
Some of these friends wont be able to make it,
and some are happily leaving the children at home to have a night out with their spouse
(or in some cases a weeks vacation).
Some of these friends wont be able to make it,
and some are happily leaving the children at home to have a night out with their spouse
(or in some cases a weeks vacation).
I think every couple has a right to make their wedding how they want it.
They get one day (or maybe two..ahem) out of a lifetime to break some rules,
and cater a day uniquely to them.
Dare I ask what your thoughts are on this topic?
If you didn't have kids at your wedding,
or if you are currently planning an adults only wedding,
how did you broach the subject?
Did you put it on your Save The Date?
Invitation?
Website?
Word of mouth?
What was the response?
If you did, or didn't have children at your wedding,
and could do your day over,
would you have done the opposite of what you chose?
*I realize every person and wedding is different, and that sometimes there are situational circumstances that mean having no kids was just not an option, or you did a day time wedding/brunch and having kids wouldn't have posed an issue. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer on how to do your wedding. This is just our personal preference for our day.*
Megan, You and Stephen sound exactly how we were when planning our wedding. I love kids - I'm a teacher - but when it came to my wedding, I wanted it to be an adult only affair. Our venue was a bit posh, we were having dueling pianists and it just wasn't a child friendly place. I knew it might result in an awkward conversation or two but I felt strong enough about it to follow through. When we addressed the invites, there was no "And Family" and on the information card (with hotels, etc). we offered to hire babysitting services at one of the hotels for anyone who was bringing children. Afterwards, I followed up with those that have kids to see if they wanted to arrange childcare with me and all but 2 couples had previously arranged. (The other 2 didn't read between the lines but were fine with it in the end.)
ReplyDeleteThe friends that left their children at home with a relative/friend/etc had such a great time. My sister and her husband had their first weekend away without my niece and they had such a great time and neither of them had to worry about being up early with her so they really let loose. In the end, I don't regret it for a second and everyone got over it.
I LOVE and ADORE children but if I was ever blessed enough to be getting married and had chosen an evening event then I would do the no kid thing too. I went to a function recently (not a wedding) but very la di da and by 21:30 every one was rushing home because kids had fallen asleep all over the place or had to go to school the next day and needed to get to bed etc.
ReplyDeleteI don't have kids so I don't know if I would be offended or not if I was invited to an Adult only wedding but right now as I type this I don't think so.
Besides those flower girls and ring bearers look really cute coming down the isle but many turn into dare I say it....little monsters about two hours later (normally during dinner) and mom and dad go into "freaking out mode" and no one has a good time after that!!
A day wedding, you can set up a wonderful play area and have some of the teens take care of and entertain the little ones (for a fee I'm sure)as one of my friends did but for an evening wedding rather leave the kiddies at home where they can enjoy and evening free of mom and dad!!
Haha! I had a discussion about this recently - and yep I totally agree with you. No kids at the wedding. :)
ReplyDeleteI think this is 100% a personal choice that is completely up to the bride and groom - and while we haven't discussed in detail I think Jurgen and I will also be doing an adult only wedding. Like you said, you want parents to come and enjoy themselves and the entire reception whether than having to worry about their littles.
ReplyDeletexxx
Jenna
I'm probably going to not have kids at our wedding... I agree with what you said about your points for not having them. They do tend to be responsible for things ending early and have a tendency to wreak havoc occasionally... Justin and I are planning a wedding that is somewhat "destination", in the sense that it's quite a few hours away and I just don't feel that having kids there is really necessary.
ReplyDeleteI have no idea how one goes about informing parents that their kids are not welcome. Any suggestions would be mucho grando!
X
Gosh I hope I can be there, and dance the night away with you guys!
ReplyDeleteUgh, that has to be such an awkward conversation! But kids really do present a problem, especially for longer ceremonies. There's always at least one who can't sit still. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI did have kids there, but we were slightly selective! We had the kids that we were close to and not other kids. I was really surprised though when two of my cousins brought their babies that were less than a year old. I didn't know how to tell them that we didn't really want them to bring them because we just wanted them to enjoy the day! A six month old doesn't care if they are at a wedding!
ReplyDeleteI love that you are focused on what's important...what you guys want. We decided not to have kids at our wedding either and it was definitely met with some angry comments (my favorite came from the woman whose daughter did the same exact thing, yet me doing it was unforgivable...hmmm). We looked up the proper etiquette (which may be different where you are) and it said to simply not put 'and family' on the invitation. We did this and also spread the word by mouth. Some children did still come but it was under a handful and they were thankfully very well behaved. Good luck with all the wedding planning!
ReplyDeletehaha i love when someone elses children do something its okay, but when someone else does it, its not. Those people are my favorite. Okay good, we didnt put "and family" on the invite AND put adults only on the website. Do you think putting a guard outside the church and reception doors is too far? ;)
DeleteI love that you posted on this! This issue caused a few mini shit-storms at our wedding in May, but I have zero regrets about not inviting kiddos. We decided on no kids under 10, period, that was a given. In the end we invited two kids total - my cousins who were 11 and 12 at the time. My aunt told me she threatened them with their lives if they acted out, so I knew we wouldn't have any issues :) Other than that, we just addressed all of our invitations to "Mr. and Mrs. ______" and didn't address kids at all, which is totally passive-aggressive but totally worked. It's just common courtesy to know that if you get an invite like that, your kids aren't welcome. We did have two incidents ~ one close family friend of my husband's checked "Will not" on the RSVP yet it was unusual they wouldn't come. They've known Glenn since birth, so we can only assume it's because we didn't invite their precious kids. Sorry I'm not sorry ~ if that's what making their decision to pass on a wedding, are they great friends to begin with? Another couple, friends of my family, blatantly asked my parents if their kids could come, we said no, and they were very upfront that the reason they didn't come is because their kids couldn't. Sayonara, I say!
ReplyDeleteThis is definitely a touchy subject but I assure you, it's worth having an adults-only wedding!! We ate, drank, and had a great time without wondering if any seven-year-olds actually ate the nice $50/head meal we paid for!
Happy planning! XO
oh i had loads of kids - plus a 1000 of my closest family & friends. I kid you not, my wedding was a rave. Kuddos for you sticking up for what you want....weddings go bye quickly and you should do what you want. People get over it.
ReplyDeletePsh. I say do it. The kid-less wedding, I mean. I love kids, don't get me wrong (I have like five I think? Sort of?) But, I'd venture to guess the wedding is a way bigger blast for parents when they're sans kids.
ReplyDeleteI'm a mom of a one year old and there's no way I'd bring her to a wedding unless there were specific kid-friendly activities. What kid wants to sit through a ceremony, speeches, and everything else that comes with a wedding? And there's no way that as a parent, you can really enjoy a wedding when you're constantly checking up on your kid. I think you've got the right idea!
ReplyDeleteSee, this is the exact mindset i would assume most people would have? I know its the one i would have as a parent. A wedding is a great excuse for a night out with your man and friends! My MOH is leaving her daughter in the states to fly to ireland, it will be the first holiday her and her hubby will have had in over a year. She is so excited.
DeleteSounds like a dream! Do you need a backup MOH? Cause I'm available.
Deletehahaha!
Deletegood for you - it IS your day! you should have it as you both want it.
ReplyDeletewe are having kids at ours, but that was an easy decision for us since the friends my age don't yet have kids and the friends who are coming who do have kids don't have babies - the youngest invited child will be 4 at the time of the wedding, and there will only be a few others, all older. we won't have the issues that you're talking about! (well, we might, but on a totally different scale - haha!)
My boyfriend and I have already decided (very easily) that we'll have no kids at our wedding when the time comes. And luckily, my parents happily agree with us. There's nothing worse than a kid screaming or making silly sounds during a ceremony, and there's no place for them at a reception, in my opinion. This coming from someone who likes kids and works with them all day.
ReplyDeleteWe didn't specify children vs no children, but we assumed that most wouldn't bring them. One woman brought her (uninvited) 10 yr old child with her. He thought he had the best dance moves of anyone at the party. Formed circles around him, so he could break dance. Not to mention, was wearing a polo and tennis shoes at a black tie wedding. Oh, and he hogged the video. Towards the end of the night, my photographer and bridesmaids were politely guiding him off the dance floor. I couldn't believe they stayed til the end. Great choice on the "no kids" policy. You'll be pleased.
ReplyDeleteI don't think there is anything wrong with not having kids at your wedding. I would hate the possible disruptions to the ceremony or guests leaving early, etc. And I also, love kids and eventually want them. A wedding just is not always the right place for them (in my opinion).
ReplyDeleteWe are not giving everyone a plus one. That's probably going to upset quite a few people, but unless you are married, engaged, living together, or have dated for over a year, we are not giving plus ones.
Lauren
http://laurensweetnothings.blogspot.com/
We are having a whole pre-school class at our wedding (sighs) that's how many of our cousins and family members have decided to procreate. I initially wanted adults only but my fiance wanted the whole big family wedding...
ReplyDeleteWe had issues with people wanting to bring partners but we told them they would have to wait until all our RSVP's came in, once we had more space we allowed partners.
Weddings are expensively crazy!!
Oh honey, I have two kids murals and have (and am) seriously considered have a no kids wedding. (like it would be just mine, and no one elses)
ReplyDeleteFurthermore, I can't imagine even taking my little ones to a wedding without them being specifically invited along with me. I think it's crazy that parents assume their children are automatically wanted somewhere just because they are.
Oh honey, I have two kids murals and have (and am) seriously considered have a no kids wedding. (like it would be just mine, and no one elses)
ReplyDeleteFurthermore, I can't imagine even taking my little ones to a wedding without them being specifically invited along with me. I think it's crazy that parents assume their children are automatically wanted somewhere just because they are.
Oh honey, I have two kids murals and have (and am) seriously considered have a no kids wedding. (like it would be just mine, and no one elses)
ReplyDeleteFurthermore, I can't imagine even taking my little ones to a wedding without them being specifically invited along with me. I think it's crazy that parents assume their children are automatically wanted somewhere just because they are.
Oh honey, I have two kids murals and have (and am) seriously considered have a no kids wedding. (like it would be just mine, and no one elses)
ReplyDeleteFurthermore, I can't imagine even taking my little ones to a wedding without them being specifically invited along with me. I think it's crazy that parents assume their children are automatically wanted somewhere just because they are.
Uh... I thought no kids at a wedding was a give in. It's like taking a kid to a bar or fancy restaurant. Hope people ease up on you for this one.
ReplyDeleteWe had kids at our wedding and it wasn't a big problem but if I had to do it over I would NOT want kids at the ceremony...ugh! Nephew on my husbands side was so loud and such a brat at the ceremony that to this day I still can't watch our ceremony video as it still pisses me off considering the fact his sister didn't even bother to take the kid out of church and you can hear him on the video. His sister is a whole other issue but yeah kids at the ceremony a big no for sure and as for the rest of the night, personal choice....didn't really bother me but I probably could have done without them, ha!!!!
ReplyDeletethis sounds eerily familiar...same exact thing happened at mine....love those in laws ;)
DeleteI personally would like kids at my wedding but weddings should be what the bridge and groom wants and if you don't want kids - people should not get upset! I can completely see the reasoning behind the decision :) I think, put it on the invitation?
ReplyDeleteI have a few friends where having kids was a must. that was how they viewed a wedding, full of family and kids. And i love that, i think its great, but totally agree, its up to the bride and groom and people tend to forget that.
DeleteI only had kids ages 8 and older so that we didn't have the same problem. My bridesmaid who had an infant let her husband hang out with the baby nearby, and once the ceremony was over he brought the baby to the reception (we had a destination wedding so she had to bring the baby). She was luckily the easiest baby in the world and partied the night away too. lol This was a good compromise because while I like her husband, he and I aren't the ones who are bffs...so it was no sweat for him to miss the ceremony.
ReplyDeleteThat was so good of your bridesmaids husband! SO respectful. There is a comment on here where a child was going nuts in the church and the parent didnt even bother to take them outside...not cool on the parents part.
DeleteI think a no-kids wedding is brilliant. The bf's sister's wedding was adults only and I thought it was awesome (though her cousin ended up bringing her 2 month old anyway, which caused some drama...). All of their friends with kids were able to stay for the whole event and some of them took full advantage of having a sitter and went out for the after-party.
ReplyDeleteI honestly have no idea what I'll choose when the time comes, but as far as weddings go, I've enjoyed the kid-free receptions 10 times more than the kid-filled ones.
ReplyDeleteWe did a no kids, adult only wedding and I had people coming up to me and thanking me because it gave parents a night out and they really enjoyed it! I think anymore, this is totally acceptable and totally worth it.
ReplyDeletetotally agree
DeleteI think it's TOTALLY up to the bride-groom. I've been to lots of weddings both ways. It just depends on the type of wedding AND the price. At our wedding, we tried to do no kids except for family/those involved in the wedding. It didn't really work out as we had hoped b/c people brought their kids anyway which I thought was actually pretty rude when they weren't on the invite. We had read all the etiquette, and it seemed like you only bring people who are on the invite. However, we had one friend who brought his girlfriend who we had never met (plus one on the invite--totally okay), and then his girlfriend's daughter! I about had a conniption fit when I got their RSVP. Another groomsman brought his two kids even though they weren't invited. It was very odd who paid attention and who didn't. Our ring bearer was the son of two of our good friends who were both in the wedding, and his parents actually sent him off with his grandparents after the pictures/before the reception. He was one of the few actually invited. In the end, the wedding and reception were great, but it did surprise me.
ReplyDeleteSo my advice is to be as up front as possible or you could get kids showing up regardless if you invited them or not. Then again, this blog post will probably help with that. :)
hahaha. lets hope everyone invited reads this blog ;) I seriously cannot believe people would just show up with kids..or anyone really who wasnt invited. i dont get it...
DeleteI heard at a friends wedding here in town they hired a babysitter in a nearby hotel (walking distance from reception) so that parents who didn't have a sitter could drop their kids off (they had movies, games, etc) and could walk over and check on them/feed them (if they are babies) etc and they don't have to worry so much because they were just a few blocks away. She had to do that because her family members ALL had small children but they also wanted a kid-free wedding so the adults could have fun. She said having the sitter worked out wonderfully.
ReplyDeleteI so don't want kids at my wedding, they're annoying. But my beau said that they should be included. I can see a big fight coming up when the wedding planning comes around.
ReplyDeletei love kids, but sometimes there are events that just are not appropriate for them to be at.
DeleteI would not ever invite kids to my wedding. Ever.
ReplyDeleteI had a kid-free wedding, and I'm not sorry. Fortunately, our guests were polite and they didn't push back on this. And it's true. Everyone got to have some fun adult time. It was such a fun party!
ReplyDeleteOur wedding will essentially be kid-free but without having to specifiy adults only. There are three "kids" coming/invited to our wedding, 2 babies (6-12 months) and a 16 year old so neither of them really counts hence the reason we didn't feel the need to make a distinction about kids vs no kids. But I agree with you, a handful of 5 year old running around like banshies would ruin what I'd want my wedding to be.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had a kid free wedding. I wanted to so bad, but my sister in law and mother in law had a fit. My mother-in-law kept saying, but your niece should be part of the day. She's two- I don't think she will even remember. And she was tired and cranky the whole time. They ended up leaving at 8pm. If people have a problem with a kid free wedding, it's because they want the wedding to be about their kids, not the bride and groom. What parent doesn't want a night off from their kids to celebrate with their friends?!
ReplyDeleteThe kid free weddings I've been to have been more fun. I've seen adult only reception on the website and on the invite before. Just do what you want and don't take crap.
i so agree! When I am a parent i think i would be super thankful for the excuse to have a night out! we put adult only on the website, and then just addressed the invites to those invited (didnt put "and family" or their kids names) but i guess, according to some of these comments, youd be surprised how many people ignore the print.
DeleteI've never really thought about this critically before. For me, the idea of having a wedding of my own with my family members present has been more of a challenge. It just seems much to stressful to want to deal with. Children NOT attending seems like a no brainer for me. While they are adorable all dressed up, they always seem to distract from the day for their parents, with their little interruptions at important moments, etc. bottom line is they are unpredictable and not always well behaved to begin with. One thing I never thought about though, until you just pointed it out, is that people you really want to be there may not be able to if they cannot bring their babies. And there definitely would be exceptions made that would probably upset other guests.
ReplyDeleteWhat I've seen done at weddings that do not want children in attendance is a clearly addressed invitation. If my parents didn't see my sister and I addressed on the invitation they'd leave us home. There would sometimes be other kids invited, but we would stay home if not specifically invited. I'd think that that would be enough, but then again, some people would need more blunt clarification. In that case, I'm not sure what I would do.
totally agree. I do think it sucks that some of my friends wont be able to come because they have newborns that they will probably still be breastfeeding, or not wanting to leave out of choice, etc. But S and i are pretty adamant about making no exceptions to avoid drama, so it is what it is unfortunately. They should have waited until after the wedding to have babies. hahah i totally joke.
DeleteThis is such a great idea. Do what YOU want! It is YOUR day! We only had 3 kids at our wedding and two of them were in the wedding party, so thankfully everything went off perfectly...probably due to the fact that our wedding ceremony lasted just shy of 4 minutes! Can you say quickest ceremony everrr! Having adult only is like a night out with all your best friends! Happy wedding planning :)
ReplyDeleteI would love to have an adult only wedding! I like kids, but I get annoyed when they aren't well behaved. I just don't want that to be the case. I know my future sister-in-law would enjoy the wedding more if her son wasn't going to be there. But my mother-in-law would have a fit if we didn't allow him there. He's just a wild kid though. So I think we will have him at the ceremony because he can be seated next to his grandma and great grandma to keep him quiet and then after pictures hire a babysitter to watch him at the hotel we are at so everyone can relax and enjoy themselves. I mean, it's not really a place for a kid anyway, we are having an open bar and there will be plenty of dancing. And he's just so wild! I hope that this works out because my friends with kids are already excited about having a night out without kids!
ReplyDeleteAgreed, i think someone weddings (like ours) are just not appropriate places for children. Lots of alcohol, lots of irish folk...not a place for a kid.
DeleteWe are also having a kid free wedding. We aren't even having a flower girl or ring bearer. The only two guests at the wedding that will be under 18 are one of my cousins (who will be 13 at the time of the wedding) and one of my fiances cousins who is like 7 or 8. We made this exception because they are first cousins. We have quite a few frinds with kids...and family friends with kids. But we had to draw the line somewhere or else it gets out of control. Plus, with an open bar and OUR friends (who have little to no filter) I just didn't think it was appropriate to have kids. I honestly dont think its appropriate for my fiances cousin to be there but it's his only cousin.
ReplyDeleteWe are spreading this news word of mouth. We've already started to mention it to friends (our wedding is Oct 2013). We won't put it on the website or invites...we're keeping our fingers crossed that when we don't address the invite to the FAMILY that it will suggest that kids aren't invited. I see many awkward convos in my future. lol
It's your wedding day so you have every right to have a kid free wedding. I had friends who had the same type of wedding and it was fine. my sisters got a babysitter and we rented a hotel room at the venue and they checked up on the kids/babies every couple of hours.
ReplyDeleteI think it's a great ideal and totally up to the bride and groom.
ReplyDeleteLet's face it, kids don't usually enjoy those ceremonies when they have to sit perfectly still, all dressed up, without a clue of what's really going on...
Parents, on the other hand, will be able to have a fun night out and enjoy themselves.
So, that's it, do it! ;)
xoxo
The Brazilian Way of Life
www.camilagcarneiro.blogspot.com.br
We had a kid-free wedding as well. My nephews were invited (and were included in the ceremony), but nobody else's kids were invited. For many of the same reasons you mentioned, plus I didn't want to have to pay for them to come, sit in a chair, take up an extra place setting, have a full meal that they wouldn't eat, etc.
ReplyDeleteI'm getting married in August and we decided not to have kids at our wedding. We listed on our invitations "Cocktails and Adult Reception to follow". The only kids there will be my sisters son & daughter, who will be my ring bearer and flower girl. Thats it! No chicken nugget meals! :)
ReplyDeleteLuckily, not a lot of my and my fiance's friends have babies right now, but some of them definitely do and definitely will not get the memo that small children are not welcome at the wedding. We are having Zach (my fiance's) niece and nephew as our flower girl and ring bearer, but I do not want babies in the congregation. The trouble is that we do have several family friends with younger children that I adore and that I would be devastated if they could not come. So ours isn't really kid-free, but it is definitely baby-free.
ReplyDeleteOne of my biggest pet peeves is when small children cry/whine/make a scene during church, etc. and the parent does nothing. And believe you me, I would turn around at the altar and give some child the stink eye if he so much as made a sound during my ceremony. Bridezilla much? Maybe.
Our solution was a brillant device of our wedding planner. First of all, you would think that people would be smart enough to figure out that if the child's name isn't on the invitation, then the child isn't invited. But alas, I know of people who will defy invitation etiquette. So we are going to have a secret nursery provided in the church, and if our planner sees people arrive with their uninvited, noisy children, she will direct them to our nursery. We didn't want to broadcast that we were having a nursery or else people will see it as an invitation to have a free babysitter. And honestly, the ceremony will probably be 30 minutes at most, so it shouldn't be that big of a deal. If they insist on bringing their children to the reception and are forced to leave early because of baby duties, that's not fun for them, but really just kind of their personal choice. Can you tell that most of these people with babies are not people I'm particularly close with?
Is that too harsh? As I've typed it all out, I feel like it sounds sorta mean....
hahaha not harsh. One thing im seeing and sorta dont get is people having a babysitter/s for the children at the hotel, or church in your case etc..are the bride and groom covering this cost? Because i just dont understand that. Yes, it is incredibly kind and thoughtful, but i dont feel like that should be a responsibility of the bride/groom, especially if they stated an adults only wedding..For S and I, i feel like we are already forking out a lot to make those traveling so far feel extra welcome and taken care of, and putting extra details and touches on things for all coming..to then have to hire a babysitter for kids that arnt ours? I dunno. i cant wrap my head around that one. Our ceremony (from what iheard) will be over an hour (just the way his church does things) and i just cannot imagine a child of any age sitting through that, and enjoying it. the kids could care less, so why take the risk? I went to one wedding when i was little, and i dont even remember it, and im sure my parents would have had a lot more fun if they had just hired a babysitter. lol
DeleteYikes. I cannot imagine any child sitting through an hour service without crying or making a fuss. I definitely would have (bad kid).
DeleteAs for the cost, you are clearly having more of an expense just by virtue of having an international wedding (that sounds SO glamorous, BTW). I figure I don't mind shelling out 50 bucks to have a baby sitter watch a few kids in the nursery for 30 minutes so the kids won't be making noise and disrupting the service. I would NEVER want to provide that service for the reception, though. It definitely would not be my responsibility, and honestly, I don't mind if children are at the reception as long as the parents don't mind their children being around people dancing, drinking, and having a good time.
The bottom line is that I just can't imagine bringing my child to a wedding where he/she wasn't invited. But I just know it's going to happen because someone won't be able to find a babysitter (or really didn't try that hard). One of Zach's friends has already complained to him about it. It's really just rude, frankly.
oookay i see..that totally makes sense for the ceremony part. I just cant imagine doing it for the reception too..that is what would seem crazy to me.
DeleteI cant imagine bringing my child, or anyone else for that matter to a wedding if they werent invited. I just do not understand that. And i really dont think its too hard to find a babysitter (obviously i am not referring to my friends who live in the USA and have small babies in this situation) i mean, duh. Although my MOH is leaving her daughter with her parents and taking a nice little holiday with her husband for our wedding. Which is pretty die hard and amazing of her. So if she can do that, i dont see how people cant get a sitter for one night who live close by.
but let me preface again, i get that their are sometimes circumstances outside the parents control and they just cant make it if the baby cant come.
DeleteI couldn't agree more Meg. It is your day with S, and you decide on exactly how you want things to be. I honestly believe that an adult event like a wedding is no place for children anyway... And parents should want to enjoy this time with you and S...
ReplyDeleteWe also said no children and we didn't have any problems from any guests (it is a popular choice here in SA). We have also been to weddings that did allow children and the ceremony was barely heard over the baby screams and toys crashing, and the reception was sidetracked by children running in between tables and guests, being sugar overloaded from the wedding cake and cutting their foot open on a broken glass.
Definitely not how you want people to remember your special day - it is all about you!!!
x
Our wedding is at an adults only resort, so obviously I'm right there with you. It was a little harder for us because this meant even the 16 and 17 year olds couldn't come, but it was a good way of drawing a line that super easily gets blurred. Your wedding will be super fun, and if you can provide the out-of-towners with a suite and a babysitter, even better!
ReplyDeleteDisclaimer: I'm not a bish, I'm a really nice person and I do have a good heart. I like kids and horses.
ReplyDeleteBack in the day I was a wedding and event planner. It was NOT in my job description to look for your three-year-old in a 40,000 sq ft mansion with 350 surrounding acres bc you got drunk like Ramona on pinot grigio and forgot to watch your kid. (True story. I did however conduct the most thorough of searches and found said child.) Then I got breastfeeding women who refused to breastfeed in public, or in the ladies' room, or in the bride's private chamber, even offered my own office, but they insisted that I get them their own room in the mansion which they didn't pay for? Rude. I can't break code for you. Then, there were the moms who just start changing diapers IN THE EVENT ROOM. Gag. Health hazard. I just can't make this stuff up. And this was at a high-end, exclusive club.
If your child isn't allowed into a bar until he or she is 21, they shouldn't be allowed to go to a reception until 18. It's a similar atmosphere: booze, a dance floor, but with more Monique Lhuillier.
I probably sound like I'm whining, so let me give you a better explanation from a business perspective. If someone has just spent $60,000 for their wedding, it better be a damn good wedding. Technically, my responsibility was to the client and the club...not someone's kid. But when a mom asked me for xyz, I spent time finding a solution. That took away my attention from the bride, and from staff who needed me too. I needed to make sure my staff was on their game: gloves on, shirts tucked in, that food got plated on time, that we had enough booze at each bar, etc. I needed to make sure guests were safe, that things ran smoothly. Also, I personally could have gotten sued, as could the club, if someone had too much alcohol, or if someone got hurt, etc. I've had multiple people have heart attacks! There are liabilities to look out for when you're trying to help run a business. Kids run everywhere in new unfamiliar places. They are cute little liabilities.
The reason why moms are beautiful people is because it's hard for them to separate themselves from guest vs mom. So, a mom is going to do everything in her power to provide for her child. It's a beautiful thing. But it's unnecessary in this particular circumstance, bc in most cases, you likely could have left your child home with a sitter as you had weeks to find one. It's not your child's day to behave unpredictably; it is the bride's day.
As you said there are other circumstances that truly are out of some parents' control. IMHO, if you want a wedding to run smoothly, don't invite children. Let them have the freedom to be children, elsewhere!
This became a novel.
As a mother of 3, I wouldn't even think of taking any of them to a wedding. The only way I'd even consider it is if someone actually wrote on the invite "childcare provided"...I've seen that before, but it's only for the ceremony. It wouldn't offend me if someone wrote adults only...actually I would just assume it is only for adults (or at least over the age of 12?)
ReplyDeleteI would be the same way, and assume the same thing. I dont understand how that is lost on some people? The people who are invited are the ones whose names are on the invitation...why is that confusing? And i am not just talking about parents and children, i'm also talking about people who think they get a plus one even if their plus one is not named on the invite anywhere??
DeleteWe did the same thing for the same reasons. All of John's friends have 2 kids each, but the fact that the wedding wasn't far from home for anyone made it easier on them. We put "Adults Only Please" on the invitations. My brother and SIL brought my niece who was about 4 months old at the time due to the fact that I wanted her in pics and she was still mostly sleeping all the time. Other than that I only had one person that brought a kid and they left right after dinner. I didn't even know she was really there. Good for you for doing what YOU want!
ReplyDeleteI'm a kid and I'm coming to your wedding! BAM! :) Totally think it should be up to y'all. <3
ReplyDeleteI WISH I would have designated ours as adults only...that just wasn't an option. But to this day, I am so frustrated with several little girls who ruined our "guest book" of sorts (and I know who they were). My parents gifted us with 8 large matted pictures of our engagement portraits, which we used for guests to write their wishes, etc. Evidently, some parents weren't watching their children resulting in 7 of the 8 mattes being used for doodling and scribling purposes....completely ruined. I was so mad. I can't even look at them now. So basically, I think it's a great decision for all the reasons you stated above....as well as mine. :) Good luck with being PC about it though....isn't it proper over "there" to just come out and say it? Adults Only Please?
ReplyDeleteThe Mrs. and The Momma
I did the same thing!!! Girl - some of my family members didn't come because they couldn't bring their kids!! Uhm - ok - if you are too cheap to find a baby sitter or too mad at me then I don't want you there anyway! BUT - what would have ruined my day more would be to hear a screaming child while trying to hear my husband say his wedding vows to me! Ya know? You will be supported more then you will get backlash!
ReplyDelete***more THAN.. not then.
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ReplyDeleteUm so this topic kinda turned my world upside down for the day. And I'm so thankful!
ReplyDeleteThis is my first "not everyone is gonna agree" situation for my wedding next fall. I already know my Ma isn't on board with no inviting people's kids. But I also think that's because I'm from the Midwest where every wedding seems like a Chuckie Cheese with fancier clothes.
I have 5 nieces and 2 nephews (ages 11, 9, 8, 6, 3, 1 and itty baby). Now they are a huuuuuge part of my life. I have seen 4 of them be born and they are beyond excited to gain a new Uncle. I honestly could never tell them that they couldn't come to my weddding. And I want them there. I know my sister and sister-in-law will keep those kids wrangled up and they will be well behaved. One "look" from me and they shape up.
Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut as for everyone else's kids? No thanks. I'm not really personally close with any other kids other than my sibling's kids. (Read: I wouldn't miss them if they weren't there) I think for an evening wedding at a nice location it's no different than taking your kids to some fancy restaurant late at night. You wouldnt do it. So. They can be there for wedding ceremony (since they are all in it, yes we are going Will&Kate style and having tons of cute little kids). Honestly my 6 and 8 year old niece would be soul crushed and never speak to me again if they couldn't dance at Auntie Callie's wedding. Buuut they are adorable WELL BEHAVED girls, as are all my sibs kids.
So my solution.... they (niec/nephs) can stay for reception and dinner and dance for one hour, and then they will have sitters take them to hotel. It's my immediate fam's kids only and they leave at 9pm. I also want my siblings to be able to enjoy the wedding and not have to be roping in kids all night. They should enjoy it too.
I've thought about other people saying "Well how come her nieces and nephews get to be there?". Well people, they are all in the wedding, so eat it. And I instantly get a little more excited for my wedding day knowing there will be no kids screaming while I spill my love guts.
This is me coming out of the shadows to comment on your blog finally. Hope you enjoyed HaHa.
i have no idea what i'll want when/if i get married but i absolutely understand the adults only idea. i want my friends and family to let lose and enjoy themselves and not worry about the little ones eating, getting lost, and bedtime...
ReplyDeleteI was very glad to read the topic of your post today. We are getting married in Miami in March...Ours will be an international wedding of sorts also...not only do we have people travelling from all over the US, but from our respective countries also. We are totally in agreement that the wedding needs to be kid-friendly. Truth be told, we both really want to enjoy our wedding day without kids being fussy in the church and without having them running around the reception area. I'm having an issue with one of my bridesmaids who seems to think that her kids are invited and that they will be tagging along for all the pre-wedding and wedding day events! I'm about to take care of this situation pretty soon!
ReplyDeleteWhen I went to do the invitations, I put "regret, adults only" on the invite and "adult cocktail, dinner and dance reception" on the reception card...but the invitation lady though that I was "screaming" the no-kids thing. I wanted to tell her that was my intent but I buckled and took it off the invite and left it on the reception card. Also my invites and RSVP's will have only the names of those actually invited.
I have thought about providing childcare...I will consider it for my out-of-town people who do have kids...but need to see if there is an area at the church and reception where they could be...But like you, I dont see why childcare is my responsibility to provide.
And I know for sure I will not be offended if I were to receive an Adult only invite in the future.
I dont mind screaming the no kids thing and am sorta regretting not putting it on the invite (its in our website) and then hopefully people hear it through word of mouth. But i am pretty adamant about people knowing this...although it is definitely awkward. And again, i just dont think childcare should be the responsibility of the bride and groom.
DeleteI had an adults only wedding with the exception of only close family members. It was a little awkward to have to tell some but most people were understanding and just got babysitters!
ReplyDeletei love your blog so much more these days because I am learning a TON about foreign weddings and just weddings in general. Thank you so much for being so open and honest about it all because this is a question that I think I'd like to have figured out way ahead of time if possible and who knows if I wouldve thought about it ya kno?
ReplyDeleteI personally feel like it is a personal thing. I mean maybe the bride and groom have young kids from prior marriages or something and they want their young kids to have friends and maybe the setting is different or something? So i wouldnt frown on others choosing it definitely like you mentioned.
But from what I've seen at weddings is that kids can pose an um... distraction? One wedding had a cryer. And this kid cried so loud and hard during the vows and everything that I almost got upset and wanted to ask the parents to do something becasue my close friend is getting married and I cant even enjoy it!!! haha
So yeah I think I'd probably choose not too or just make the reception open to kids and maybe have an area for them but I definitely dont want my wedding to be at risk for temper tantrum screams. Which are perfectly fine.. just not at my wedding?
Maybe I'm a tad selfish but its such an important time and occasion and I just feel like It would be best to have the environment match the age (mature).
Anyways i support you girl..! And thanks for bringing up something I've never considered or thought about..
♥CheChe
ewww. someone is having twins? that's gross.
ReplyDeletespeaking of... i really need to find an old lady in northern ireland who feels compelled to nurture small babies for small amounts of time. craigslist?
Lauren, if you fly me to Ireland, I'd totally watch your twins for you!!!! ;) Hehehe
Deleteps my wedding was 95% kid free (minus my sisters newborn and a few other exceptions, im a softie), but i totally get it. way more fun for the adults... and more importantly, if that is what you guys want- for you!
ReplyDeletewow i actually can't believe it's a huge aspect of guest-list dilemmas! i never went to any wedding that my parents were invited to when i was growing up. even if i was invited. my parents would just drop eddy and i off at my grandmas and we would get maccas and hang out with our cousins which was SO much more fun for us than sitting through a wedding anyway! and it meant that mum and dad didn't even have to think about us running around causing a ruckus, they could just party away as much as they wanted and would come get us the next day. completely hungover haha!! thats how i plan to do it in the future!
ReplyDeletei cant even believe people would get upset about this! i have never gone to a wedding that WASN"T "adult-only reception to follow" (then again, i haven't gone to THAT many weddings)...it just seems crazy to me that parents would even want to bring their kids. considering my only requirement of my wedding is an openbar, i want everyone to take full advantage!
ReplyDeletewhat about this! my friends got married and they put on their invite "no boxed gifts" as in .. give us cash. but they are Indian and I guess that is customary but man i wish i could say that on my wedding invites! hahah
We had the typical flower girls, etc. but we did not invite kids. My husband's family is HUGE and I didn't want kids taking over the dance floor, but trust me I feel your pain. My husband and I are both teachers so we obviously love kids, but it's YOUR day and it's YOUR decision. I say go girl! We never regretted our decision for a second!
ReplyDeleteI kinda feel like even though they may play a part in the ceremony, weddings are not generally kid-friendly affair. it doesn't matter how well-behaved your child is - he/she is probably going to be bored. a wedding isn't about children - it's about the bride and the groom and the love that they share. thinking back on it, my parents never took my brother and me to weddings, which makes sense to me.
ReplyDeleteOh, yes. Kids. We dealt with this issue in a strange way. Here was our rule: FIRST COUSINS ONLY. Which, to our selfish favor, included my twin cousins who were our flower girl and ring bearer. But we left it at first cousins, regardless of their age. And you know what? I felt very comfortable telling people First Cousins Only. It's a hard thing, though. My husband's cousins planned on bringing their children without asking and that was, well, awkward. It's tricky, for sure!
ReplyDeleteWe were lucky because we don't have very many friends/family with young kids. We only ended up with a few and it was the ones that I really wanted there - like my best friend's little girl. I just thought it would be so neat to one day be able to talk to her about how she was there at my wedding. But yeah, if we had lots of friends with kids, it might would've changed. Also, we didn't have alcohol or anything, so that probably makes a bigger difference as far as not wanting kids around for the parents.
ReplyDeleteSo our weddings wasn't a kid-only wedding by our saying but now that I think about it, it ended up being one... we had friends who had small kid and a couple of tweens but they were all mostly left them home w/ baby sitters. I actually just went through the pictures and there are 3 kids but they were very well behaved and their grandparents picked them up halfway through the reception. We never told anyone they couldn't bring them BUT it was a well known fact everyone was going to be drinking and partying so probably not the best environment for kids, so they were just smart about it? lol
ReplyDeleteI went to a wedding where people let their kids run rampant and it was pretty horrific and you couldn't focus on the wedding because there were so many little kids poking each other and running to the bathroom haha it was a mess, you do what's right for you, I feel like the people coming to your wedding will totally understand :-) and a side note - my nonexistent wedding is already kid free ;)
ReplyDelete-Emily
I don't blame you!! My sister is getting married in Sept and I really don't want my own children involved. It's just easier to not bring them but she insists on having them there. Oh well. I've already warned her if they make a scene it's her own fault. ; ) Enjoy your day!
ReplyDeleteYour wedding, your rules. End of story. Anyone who's got beef doesn't have to come! Why would anyone wanna bring their kid to a wedding anyway? Sounds awwwwful. I SO wish I would have done the kid free thing at our wedding. I also wish I'd done the less than 300 people thing. But you live, you learn. And then you have an adults only renewal party 10 years later. For real, it's happening.
ReplyDeleteyou said it, sister - everybody has a right to do things the way they want. it's a hugely personal decision, i have a 4 year old sister and if she's invited, i couldn't say no to other bebes. and my mother is crazypants unforgiving about no-kids weddings, but it's BECAUSE she has a 4 year old. anyway, stay true to what you two want for your big day. haters gonna hate. also, it's prob been said in the bajillion comments before mine, but i think the best way to indicate no kids is how you address the save the dates and the wedding invitations. it's not as polite to write "adults only" or "no children," but it's common knowledge that the only ones invited to the wedding are the names listed on the envelopes. just be forewarned you might have a few go rogue and ask you if they can bring their kids... or show up with a baby!
ReplyDeleteWe didn't have children at our wedding either - only the 3 kids that were in the wedding. All for the same reason you mentioned!
ReplyDeleteThe only regret I have about it is that now that I have had a newborn I know how hard it is to leave them when they are teeny tiny. I realize now that I should have talked to people with newborns and told them to please bring them if they felt more comfortable with that but you know just be considerate and soothe the baby outside the ceremony if they start to cry. In the end some parents feel more able to be present when they aren't leaking milk and worrying about leaving such a tiny one in the care of someone else AND little babies sleep so much that really they would probably just be in a carrier snoozin'the whole time.
So I totally totally agree with you on the deciding to have no kids if that is what you want of course!! I guess I just throw in my regret just in case it helps. :)
Also - my regret only applies to little baby newborns who are eating every couple hours. Not toddlers and kiddos.
DeleteI think saying "Nursing Babies and Kids Over 12 are Welcome". For the most part parents are able to control kids at those ages and then mom's who are nursing don't have to miss out. When you are nursing it's a bit of a ball and chain and a babysitter isn't an option, or so I've heard.
ReplyDeleteagree. I think however, for us, its not just about fussy babes, its more about wanting parents to be able to just let loose and enjoy and having that be the atmosphere...but we totally understand that those with nursing babes probably wont be able to attend for that reason. My friend did tell me though how her friend came to a wedding and just had her mom in a hotel with the baby so she could go tend to it when she needed to..so that could be an option. but totally up to the mom and what she feels most comfortable with.
Deletei am by far the best wedding guest ever for not bringing my baby to ireland for a week.
ReplyDeleteI think you and Stephen made a wise decision. I love kids and probably wouldn't have an entirely kids free wedding, but would want them to be in entirely their own area where ideally parents could enjoy the night worry-free knowing their children are being well looked after and turned over to other babysitters when they need to go to bed. My main reason for doing this would be that while I want to focus the atmosphere on being about adults having a good time, it is more important for me not to exclude important people.
ReplyDeleteI put on our wedding website that it would be advisable to not bring young children. For us, it was more of a safety issue because we were having the wedding in a backyard in Thousand oaks, wayyy up on a hill, and there is pretty much a cliff-like drop where the backyard ends where even adults could fall over if not careful. I really didn't want young children there regardless, though, because (and I feel like this goes triple for mormon families) people just show up and let their kids go completely wild at weddings!
ReplyDeletePeople still brought their kids. No one fell off a cliff, but they did take all of the wedding sparklers and distribute them all around the backyard so we couldn't find them for the sendoff. hahaha.
It was still a great day.
our wedding was a circus of people, so throw another little tyke in the mix and it really did not make a difference. However, I am not a fan of children at weddings other than I do love a big flower girl/ring bearer brigade. I will forever remember a mom bringing her babe to a wedding this spring and it crying during the ENTIRE ceremony, and she never left to tend to it. soooo I think the adults only wedding is great.
ReplyDeleteI always go with what is written on the invite. If it said "....and family" I would assume that the event would be kid-friendly, though I still don't think I would bring my kids. At our wedding, I didn't include any children on the invites or in the wedding (I am not a fan of the flower girl/ring bearer idea), and we got lucky that very few of our friends had babies at the time. Pretty easy. The youngest child at our wedding was 12, and bless him, he was bored stiff.
ReplyDeleteThis almost destroyed my wedding day, I too had an adult only wedding but
ReplyDeletesome people ignored my requests and it caused so much arguing amongst others I spent most of the day in tears.
we had no children {well one my cousin he was ten does he count?} luckily because no-one had a little child to bring and older children don't have to come with their parents and if we invited some children we would have to invite a whole load and we wanted to keep it small. glad we stuck to our guns rather than inviting a whole lot of people to make others happy.
ReplyDelete"I think every couple has a right to make their wedding how they want it."
ReplyDeleteI agree with you 100%. It's your special day...not there's. Do what makes the two of you happy. Who know...if they brought kids they might not be happy cause they're chasing them around all night...you saved them and gave them a night of piece lol
Kara XO
Do what you want, it's your day. We had no kids at our wedding for the same reasons (who wants kids stealing your spotlight?;). We just included the name of the invited guests on the invitation and left out "and family". It was always a fun surprise when people replied more guests than we invited in the reply card by putting 3 or 4 in the number of guests blank.
ReplyDeleteTotally agree. I'd love to have a kid-free wedding one day. Moms and dads need to party sometimes!!
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ReplyDeleteAh-ha! Loved reading this post. I got married this past July in England. Being from Edinburgh, it was (sort of) a destination wedding, yet one we were certain that most of our guests could still afford and attend (since its drivable at the very least). We had a child-free wedding and the decision to do so was easy for both of us, since we were completely on the same page about our reasons for doing so. First and foremost, we wanted our friends and families to 'be there' 100% to celebrate our day with us and actually enjoy every moment. With a young child in tow, this would not be the case. There are constant distractions with children and the parents never really get to relax when they are around. Children are also unpredictable - well behaved or not, they can act up at any given moment (imagine during your ceremony or toasts) and as some people have mentioned in previous comments, some parents fail to deal with this in the manner you would expect at a wedding (i.e. taking the child outside or to another room) and nobody, least of all the bride and groom, wants to hear a screaming/whinging child while the vows are being exchanged. Weddings are also expensive events and you want to show your guests a good time. Putting it simply, a young child or infant will not appreciate or even remember a wedding (I went to a few as a child apparently, and I cannot remember a thing). On top of all this, our venue was not safe for children (there were even a few slips with the adults) and we generally just wanted to have an adult crowd. I agree with you to some extent on the babysitting thing, when people have save the dates to plan ahead months and months in advance - but how can you really argue with that one?!!! Truth is, some guests will leave everything until the last minute and so naturally these things will occur. I do think a lot of wedding guest considerations comes down to how people think about things and prioritize things.
ReplyDeleteThat all said, the no children thing can be an issue for some people. The main thing being that some parents may take it very personally, but like you we both adore children and the decision not to have them at our wedding was nothing personal against anyone. In our case, I think all parents were accepting of our decision, but unfortunately not all of them could make it based on that. It's a touchy subject I guess. We just put the names of the individuals on our invites and assumed, based on etiquette, that people would understand that it meant only those mentioned were invited. However, etiquette can go amiss on some people. We had one friend call us just to clarify, which I thought was perfectly fine - at least to check in with the couple if you are not sure is the right thing to do. If you are worried about people showing up with them, then it might be a good idea to put it politely on your invites if you feel comfortable enough doing that. I also agree that there may be circumstances that mean you may have some children at your wedding - like siblings children, or your own child or a very close friend or family member who just gave birth and can't be separated. But again, it is completely up to the bride and groom to decide, and sometimes its easier to just have one rule for all. We had one friend who (awesomely and very sweetly) brought her parents with her on holiday, and the babysat for them during our wedding. I do not regret our decision one little bit. The whole day went seamlessly and I don't believe any of our guests departed before 10pm (and our ceremony was at 12 noon). Its a personal preference and should be respected by all guests, in the same way people respect all the other elements of the couples wedding day.
Hope this helps.
We absolutely had a kid-free wedding, and I would do it again in a heartbeat - backlash and all!
ReplyDeleteI am totally for a wedding without children! I think if that's what you want then great! Do it!!!
ReplyDeleteWhen I it married, there we no kids in attendance at our wedding. Honestly, I'm glad that they didn't come. I know that sounds bad, but it just worked out better that way.
ReplyDeleteno kids! kids are stupid! boo kids!
ReplyDeletei did both, no kids and only plus 1 for serious couples (ie. no random dates!) and you are right, it was a tough decision to make. but i just realized that you can't make everyone happy all of the time and it's your special day so do what makes you happy. the people that matter most will understand. i say stick to your guns! -jb.
ReplyDeletehttp://madewithlovebyjackieb.blogspot.co.uk/