It's Me...Megan..The owner of this blog

I've been in a cottage in Northern Ireland for a week..

with no internet.

:::gasp::

At first I felt sweet relief..

to be unplugged..

then around day five i started breaking out in a sweat, clenching my jaw at night and dreaming of being chased by bloggers.

only half of that is true.

Christmas was spent snuggled around a warm fire,
drinking hot drinks,
and eating good food.


Stories of foreign exchanges to come.

I hope you all had a VERY Merry Christmas and have a Happy New Year!

Bloggers "Firsts" - "and the popularity of beanie babies hit its peak."

 I Started following E.Day like centuries ago

(aka a year ago)

I came across her witty blog and i was all

we would be friends.

So naturally i left her a comment and told her so.

Ya, i made the first move,

but she quickly reciprocated.

It's been true love ever since.

Read the following and youll see why.

********

it was third grade.

the notes on the chalkboard were blurry, so i squinted a lot. i picked caterpillars off the trees and let them crawl on me at recess. and i struggled to tackle the correct spelling of the word "porcelain" for my creative stories in class that typically centered around magical seashells transporting people to a different time.

i was a little bit different, but one day, things got better. i got glasses and stopped squinting, i made a new friend named martha*, and the popularity of beanie babies hit its peak.

emily, the third grader, sitting in a field with martha's bunny. no, this picture is not a joke.

one day, i began to notice a boy.

my first boyfriend, eric*, had moved away after first grade. it wasn't a messy breakup at all, and we remained close penpals. i informed him that i received two stuffed polar bears for my birthday, and he told me he doubted those polar bears were as cute as me. i appreciated his flattery, but i was ready to move on.

new boy's name was devin* and he was eric's former best friend. he had a coveted beanie baby, his mom made him the best turkey sub sandwiches for lunch, and martha, devin, and i sat next to each other every day in class and at lunch.

after relentlessly harassing my parents on my newfound quest to have friends, i got a rover the red dog beanie baby so i could be like him and martha, and when he shared half of his sandwiches with me at lunch every day, i knew it was love.

the next week with devin was a blissful montage of made up beanie baby plays, stealing pencils from each other during class and giggling hysterically, and tickling fests. but friends, all perfect things must come to an end.

usually an awkward one, if you're me.

my short-lived relationship with devin was destroyed one day in class when i noticed him passing notes to martha instead of me. i intercepted the note, which held the telltale "check yes or no" signs of an early relationship, and my heart was broken. face red and glasses foggy, i did the only mature and reasonable thing i knew how: i tattled. 

the next few moments passed in a blur (literally, because my glasses were still fogged up from my embarrassment). the three of us were placed in separate corners of the classroom, our seating charts were permanently altered, and i returned to my forgotten world of caterpillars and creative writing escapades, friendless once again.

but time heals all wounds. i have a better boy now, who shares his food with me and never passes notes to my friends. i eventually stopped letting caterpillars crawl on me.

and i did eventually make some friends.

*names seen in this story have not been changed. some of them are currently my facebook friends.

Bloggers "Firsts"- A list

I sorta kinda stalk Jillian,

because she is currently planning her wedding..

and i have a slight obsession with weddings

enough to have more then one wedding in my lifetime

don't worry..

I'm tagging out after three.

Jillian put together a little lists of some of her most memorable firsts

*******

hi there! it's jillian from cornflake dreams and today i am sharing a little list of my firsts...

first bangs- that chickadee with the chubby cheeks and BLONDE hair is me! crazy eh? i sported bangs as a little one for a few years and just recently embraced the haircut again (for better or worse).


first time riding a horse in the mountains...one of my favorite family vacations.


first kiss- i've been told that waaay back in the first grade i chased a kid around and kissed him in front of the rest of class. and then i got sent home...i think that counts as a win, win situation right?

first hollywood crush (like stalker/posters everywhere/practice your new married signature crush)- the still smokin hot leo dicaprio from his titanic days. i was smittttttten.


trip outside of the country- cozumel, mexico sophomore year of high school. my dad suprised me with a day where i got to swim with dolphins (as someone who grew up wanting to be a dolphin trainer...then marine biologist this was a dream come true).


first time in europe- i studied abroad in paris for a month while i was a sophomore in college and i fell in love with the city.


first job- i worked as a cashier in a grocery store (i think this is also where i developed my food envy).


first real job post college- marketing assistant at an architecture firm in downtown chicago.


first toga party, sorority formal...time riding an elephant- college was good to me.

first time visiting NYC AND meeting a panda! - my little brother's college graduation weekend was epic.


first time back on a bike- this past summer! after taking a 15 year break from riding it was sooo much fun to get a bike and ride around the city. 


first time IN a wedding- i was honored to be included in my friend's wedding this year... and i might borrow a few of her wedding ideas (photobooth, fun props, killer playlist...)

first time living with a guy (other than my brothers)- that'd be my current fiance- h! we moved in with each other after dating for a year.


first marriage- next SUMMER! boom boom pow.

thanks to miss megan for inviting me over to her blog..this is my FIRST guest post on across the pond!

xo, jillian of cornflake dreams

December 27th

I am guest posting over here today people!!

And I am still in Ireland...

except I am literally writing this post on December 4th..

So i really have no idea what is happening right now.

go here instead.

Bloggers "Firsts"- Fairy Tales are True- A list

This girl sometimes makes me want to kidnap her,

dye my hair blonde,

then take over her life.

And i mean that in the least creepy way possible.

I'm convinced her world is in a constant state of dreamy fuzzy lighting.

But she is too dang sweet to hate her..

which really sucks for the rest of us who were hoping she was a horrible person so we could rag on her for her amazing life.

but alas.

she is wonderful.

AND

she just started an event planning company..

ive already hired her..

tentatively.

*******************

Hi!  I'm Sarah from fairy tales are true.  I'm telling you ALL the dirt on my firsts today.

your first kiss: 16.  extremely awkward.  


your first last kiss:  on jb's parents dock.  


first date:  16!  for Valentine's Day.  


first time peeing your pants as an adult:  well, i haven't had kids yet ... but i've recently learned that once that happens you can do NOTHING without peeing your pants a little.  looking forward to it.


first car: ford explorer


first time overseas: 6 years old to Milan, Italy


First roommate:  my little sist.  well, outside of that - a cute girl from minnesota in college.


first real job: i taught highschool at 22.  that was interesting.


first heartbreak: @ 21.  my heart felt legit split in two.


first time giving birth:  3 years ago!  surprise!  i kid... and i wish (:


first time i started blogging: February 14th, 2010 ... i guess i had an exciting Valentine's Day.

Bloggers "Firsts"- Giving your number to a rapper

 Michelle, or as I like to refer to her as, Rhonda
is my "interior designer friend"
For example,
when people in real life ask me
"Oh where did you get the inspiration behind decorating your flat?"
I say,
"oh my friend is an interior designer and she helped me"

Then they say
"how do you know all of these cool people?"
and i say

"I get around"




*******





Hi there Across the Ponders. The name's Michelle and I'm the blogger behind the decor, design and DIY blog Ten June. 

Okay, let's be honest. Usually I look like this.

So our girl Megan thought up this fun series... and it's all about blogger firsts. When I started writing this post, I thought about some important firsts in my life... the first time I kissed my husband, the first house that I bought or maybe even something fun about my first time blogging. But then I realized I needed to focus on a more important first in life... like my first rap concert.

Cue scene.

I was in college and living in Charleston, South Carolina. As we college kiddos do, my girlfriends and I dolled up for a night out on the town. And it just so happens that the Ying Yang Twins (famous for their stellar rap songs like Salt Shaker, The Whisper Song and Shake) were in town performing that night. 

Somehow or another our drunken foolish selves actually got into the concert. And somehow made it up to the front row. Oh and did I mention that I am a reallllllly horrible ridiculous scary good dancer? I was shaking it like a salt shaker with the best of 'em. True story. And before I knew it, I was up on stage. Dancing with the Ying Yang Twins. You know, these guys.

Apparently my absurd dancing didn't scare them off (they must have had as many vodka + crans as I had that night) and I actually hit it off with them. In between sets, we started chatting about our hometown of Atlanta... all of our favorite restaurants, the best bars and the coolest parts of town. So Mr. Ying (or maybe it was his twin Yang?) suggested that I give him my phone number so that we could hang out when we got back to the A. 

Big smiles from this girl. Hang out with some of the hottest rappers around? Yes, please.

So of course I happily obliged. But as I started to give out my cell phone digits, I realized that they were for a South Carolina phone number... which is so not cool since I just spent the last 45 minutes chatting up Atlanta and how it's the best place ev-er. I needed an Atlanta area code. Duh. 

So I dished out the only phone number I could think of with an Atlanta area code... otherwise known as my parents' home phone number.

Yes, I did that.

Should I repeat myself? 

My. Parents'. Home. Phone. Number.

To a rap star. 

This happened.

My friends died of laughter. I'm pretty sure they laughed at me for about two hours. Well let's be honest, they still laugh about it to this day.

But guess who didn't think it was funny? My mom. Even when I called her an hour later (read: approximately 3:30 AM) and asked her to forward any calls from the Ying Yang Twins to my cell phone. Can't see why she didn't find the humor in that. No bueno, madre?

So that, my friends, was my first rap concert. In all its glory. 

Now tell me, can you shake it like a salt shaker?

Bloggers "Firsts" - First kiss "I never got the herpes or anything"

Emily is my personal physician..

Not like, legally..

but i made her one via internet..

because she is a doctor.

and I am not.

But she is my friend.

boom.

personal physician.

That is what blog friends are for..

making you things on etsy

and answering your common cold questions.

******

hello, friends of Megan.

i'm Emily, the mastermind behind the little blog Em=Me

pleasure to make your acquaintance.

i've been here guest posting before

and, lemme tell ya, it's great to be back.

my first stethoscope. circa 2006.

i'm a doctor.

and so is my husband, Nick.

totally normal.

we're both in residency in San Antonio, TX.

he's from California, i'm from Florida

so being Texans is a fantastic sojourn for us both.

he's training to be a Physiatrist (rehab doc)

i'm training to be an Emergency Medicine Physician.

i get patients coming in to the hospital,

he gets them coming out.

(if the hospital were a body, i'd be the mouth, and he'd be the....you get the point)

so Megan asked us to write about a first.

i thought about writing about the first time i had to give a patient bad news.

but, hello depressing-face.

so i decided to go a more light-hearted route

and tell you about my first kiss.

it took place in college.

which is why all these pictures are circa 2002-2006

college?...you say?

why were you so old?

well that, my friends, is where our story begins.

me and my college roomies/besties...Rachel and Marsa (pronounced Marseille. coolest name evah.)

i was a pretty sheltered kid in high school

my parents used to be missionaries

and i was raised in church my whole life

plus--the kicker--i was homeschooled from 4th grade to graduation

(feel free to judge me immediately)

so i wasn't getting asked out on a whole lot of dates

at youth group.

so i went to college first-kiss-less

first-date-less

first-boyfriend-less

poor, pathetic me.

i went to a christian college

Palm Beach Atlantic University, to be precise

so people were all bajiggity about dating there too.

i went on one date with this guy i had a crush on freshman year

we had an awesome time

then he didn't speak to me again until Junior year.

first date fail.

i was all, forget this shiz.

and i made a pact with myself.

and God.

i decided that the next person i dated would be the person i would marry.

might as well just do it once, right?

seemed like a good idea at the time.

me, going cray-zay. dancing off my sexual frustration.

 so freshman and sophomore year came and went

i went on a few dates

but never really "dated" anybody.

until junior year.

when J came along.

he was a tidbit older.

and wasn't afraid when i told him about my master plan.

so we started dating.

but we didn't start kissing right away.

you see...

when you've waited until you're 20 to have that first kiss

it becomes a big deal.

once he asked me if he could kiss me

and i wasn't mentally prepared.

so i said no.

not sure what i was waiting for

fireworks?

lightning bolts?

a sign from God?

so anyway.

a few nights later

he had taken me on a date at the Breakers Hotel

[via]

we didn't eat there.

or stay there.

we really just walked around

because one of his friends worked valet there

and let us in.

so there we were...canoodling on one of the 12,000 sofas in the lobby

when it just...happened

first kiss: check.

and it was followed by my second, third,...hundredth kisses as well.

he called me the natural.

gifted by God, apparently.

as for the rest of the relationship...

it lasted 5 months

and ended in a fiery crash (proverbial, not literal)

at my parents' house

the day after Thanksgiving.

when he told me

"i just can't do this anymore"

awesome.

so much for "doing it once" eh?

me. resilient. playing with the color controls on my Canon point n shoot. obvi. you did too.

 i am happy to report that this whole debacle

didn't jade me too terribly

like, i didn't suddenly swing the other way

and turn into a major slut

turns out i like kissing, though.

and i did, however, take kissing a little less seriously

becoming slightly more liberal with my kisses

but not too bad.

i never got herpes or anything.

whew.

which is good for this guy

sweet sweet kisses 

our first married kiss

[JL photo]

so there you have it.

my first kiss.

come by and say hello sometime.

there's more kisses where these came from.

Bloggers "Firsts"- "A kiss that said "you're mine."

I actually know Chanel in real life..

We met back in the day..

and by back in the day i mean like 7 years ago..

We instantly connected,

but our lives took us separate ways pretty quickly.

(this sounds like a beginning to a love story...but it's not)

We have only recently connected again via fb and blog..

and I am SO thankful we did..

because she is awesome.

and really pretty.

******

Hi there lovelies, I'm Chanel and I write the blog BY WAY of NEY. You should be super jealous of me because I know Megs in real life. You know, the one outside the blogosphere. I met her back in the day when she was still modeling.
Look at her now; done and left the modeling world in her dust, moved to the UK, kicked England's butt while she got her Masters Degree and found herself a hot Irishman (aka Stephen)! I couldn't love it more!

When Megs first asked me to be a part of a guest series of firsts, I knew instantly that I wanted to write about my first kiss. Then I had to decide which first kiss I wanted to write about. 

There was the sixth grade, what-on-earth, how does one go about getting kissed...oh, right, play Truth-or-Dare on the playground during recess and get dared to be kissed by the boy who also ate a month during a Dare. AWESOME! Thank God is was a eyes closed tight, mouth closed tight, rapid speed peck. 

Then, there was the first real boyfriend first kiss. I was a Freshman in high school, he was a Junior, scandalous, I know. My 15 year old self wasn't quite sure how, or if I was ever going to have a real kiss. But, it happened. I was at my high school best friend's house, her parents had gone to bed and our boyfriends, who were also best friends had come over to watch a scary movie. I think it was Scream (the original, not one of the hundreds of sequels). When we were done watching the movie it was time for the boys to leave. We walked them out wrapped in the blankets we had been cuddled under and there, standing in front of her house, on a not-so-quiet street, he lifted the blanket up and put it over both of our head and kissed me...a real kiss. Sounds like it was so cute and sweet all tucked under the blanket but let's be real...we just didn't want our friends to see us. Oh the things my younger self wouldn't have done if my older self was watching!

As much as those two first kisses could have been scenes of Breakfast Club, 10 Things I Hate About You or Easy A there was another first kiss that the real story is about. Not long after my first real kiss, a met this guy who quickly became like an older brother to me (you all know where this is going already don't you). Maybe you've had that guy in your life; the one who is "just your friend" or "like a brother" to you. You swear up and down that there is simply nothing there. You tell your closet girlfriends, your younger sister, and even some current boyfriends that could/will never happen even though you're not quite sure why. Maybe because he's nine years older than you and when you're in high school, the guy who has already graduated from college and is working a real job sounds like he's living some kind of life that older people do.

9 years later...

I had graduated college and was working a real job. (You know, like those older people did.) I had traveled for a summer and come home.  I was settling into what I though life would look like for me. That guy who was "like a brother" and I started hanging out more often and all my girlfriends asked me what I was going to do when he tried to kiss me. Huh, what? Wait, what are you talking about? No way is that going to happen. We've been friends for a long time and if that were to happen, well that would ruin our friendship right? 
After over 3 months of hanging out, going out to dinner, watching movies on the couch (where there wasn't so much as a leg graze in there), and getting to know each other even better than we already did after knowing each other all those years, we went out to eat (as per usual). This night the decision making went like this,
guy FRIEND: "Do you feel like wine or mojitos?"
ME: "Umm, wine."
guy FRIEND: "Northern Hemisphere or Southern?"
ME: "Northern"
GUY FRIEND: "Alright!"
Off we went to a little tiny hole in the wall Italian restaurant in LA. (Apparently if I had Southern Hemisphere we would have been off to a Brazilian restaurant.) We had the most amazing meal with loads of garlic olive oil and bread and our share of chianti. On the way home we stopped at a park that overlooks the Pacific Ocean, got out of the car, walked along the path for a bit, stopped to look at the water. There, he kissed me. A real kiss. A long kiss. A kiss that said "you're mine." He explained to me, "I don't want to be your friend anymore, I want to be more, and the risk is well worth it to me." And was he right?!?!

3 years later...

We kissed again for the first time as husband and wife, standing in that exact same spot where we had our first kiss.
The best part is...we're still friends!

Bloggers "Firsts" - "first experience with a 100% bonafide a-hole"

I feel really fortunate to have started blogging when I did..

because I got to start out with people like Jenni..

even though technically Jenni was a bit more advanced in blogland..

She was one of the first few people I connected with,

looked up to,

and was lucky enough to snag as a friend.

And let me tell you she is a good and loyal friend to have.

*******

Hello friends of Megan, and therefore friends of mine!  Pleasure to be here with you today!  I would like to tell you guys a little about my very first experience with a 100% bonafide a-hole.  One of those people you hear about but rarely meet--and hope you never will.



Well, I'm here to tell you that if you wait tables, it is only a matter of time before you run into one such jerk-off, and during my waiting tables stint (that happened to last over 7 years), I ran into many legit jerkasaurous rexes, but the one I'm going to tell you about today stands out the most in my memory.



It was the middle of a busy lunch-hour rush at the tiny diner where I worked, and a single guy about 35 sat down at one of my tables.  At a nearby booth sat a kind older couple who frequented the diner and whom I was good friends with, and as I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off on that busy lunch-hour, I occasionally stopped to chat for a moment with them.  They would ask me questions about school and things like that. 



I didn't pay any special attention to the single guy alone at the table, but I wasn't giving him bad service either.  BUT.  Apparently what he required was special attention, because towards the end of his lunch when I came to drop off his check, he said to me in anger, "You know, here I am, a good looking guy" (which he was not), "and you're paying more attention to these old people than me!" (pointing at them, two feet away where they could hear him.)



I was taken aback and just mumbled something like, "Oh... well, I don't give anyone special treatment based on appearances..."



And then as I laid down his check and prepared to bolt away, he said, "You didn't ask me if I want dessert."



"Do you want dessert?" I asked, becoming extremely annoyed.



"Yes. I want french silk pie."



So I turned around and went to get his pie, and then placed it down on the table in front of him with a little more fervor than strictly necessary, then prepared to walk away again. 



"Are you going to ask me if I want a to-go cup for my tea?"  asked my little friend.



Now feeling rather murderous, I turned away without a word and then brought back his cup, trying my best not to throw it at him.  Again, I tried to walk away.



"Pour my tea in the cup."



"Are you joking?"



"No." 



I poured his tea in the cup and slammed the glass back on the table and walked away.



He left me a nickel.



And then the next time he came into the restaurant, several weeks later, I begged to wait on him, even though it wasn't my table.  The other server gladly allowed me to take him, and during the entire duration of his stay, I practically harassed him with sickly sweetness. 



"How are you doing over here?"

"Still doing OK?"

"Can I replace that sip of tea you just took?"

"Your meal shouldn't be much longer."

"Still doing OK?"

"Here's you're lunch! ANYTHING else I can get you?"

"Is that meat cooked to your liking?"

"How is everything?"

"Everything still OK?"

"Are you SURE you're loving it?"

"Save room for dessert!"

"Would you like dessert?"

"How is your pie?"

"Pie still OK?"

"Here's a nice big to-go tea for you!"

"Have a really amazing day!"



And that time I got two bucks.  So the moral of the story is that some people just need a little extra attention.  The end.  :P



PS - Come visit me if we're not already BFFs!!!

Bloggers "Firsts"- A Vaginal birth story

I have done a little highlight on Raven before,

because she is one of my favorite/funniest bloggers.

The kind that makes you laugh so hard you feel a little pee come out.

Just me?

I am REALLY honored right now because Raven is sharing her first time giving birth..

like, she is telling you all her birth story..

a story she hasnt even shared on her own blog yet.

You're welcome.

*******

So when Megan first emailed me about doing a guest post, she said I could write about anything, as long as it had to do with a "first" of some kind. In her words, it could be "first date, first kiss, first time peeing your pants as an adult, or pooping yourself, first time extracting something from your vag..."

Well now, don't mind if I do.

And come to think of it, I've never told my birth story before, so what better place to do so than right here at Across the Pond?

You know how birth stories are all sweet and sentimental? The expectant mother arrives at the hospital in her own custom made delivery gown, the soft sounds of Enya echo in the background, she sips on hot tea and engages herself in prenatal yoga every time a contraction occurs, and finally, with the help of no pain relieving drugs, her precious little baby slips into the world as the mother screams out in agony, "I am woman, hear me ROAR!"

Uh, yeah.
So mine was kind of like that.

Except it went a little something like this:

I'm sitting at home watching a movie and feel the slightest bit of dampness down there. Could it have been a little pee excretion from laughing too hard while watching The Hangover? Possibly. However I convince myself that my water has in fact broke and husband needs to take me to the hospital NOW. None of this "waiting it out at the comfort of my own home" bs. What if baby could come out at any second? Last time I checked, those stirrups hubby bought directly stated "Not for professional use. Pleasure and personal only."

Fast forward a few hours. I'm laying in the hospital bed and my very first contraction appears. I'm positive my life is about to end so I page the nurse and tell her I need an epidural, stat. And while you're at it, could you put it on a drip system please?

Someone asks me if I would like to try and take a nap.

Are you f*&%ing kidding me? A nap?! My body is going through a vicious cycle which ends with my parts down there expanding by 5000 percent and you want me to try and take a nap? Go to hell.

It's about time. Everyone gets ready and in position and I grab my husband by the ear and tell him that if he even thinks of taking a peak "down there" while it's happening, I will murder him in the most grisly way imaginable. Better yet, just turn and face the wall, ok hubs?

Fast forward to the delivery. Baby is crowning (I really despise that term) and the doctor asks if I would like to put my hand down there and "feel."

Come again? Feel? Feel what? Because I know you aren't asking if I want to feel the human being who is half-in/half-out of my vag, covered in blood and guts and goo and God knows what else. And while we're on the subject, can you please clean the baby off before you give him to me for the first time? Like, seriously, make sure you scrub him down good. I don't like for my hands to get all sticky.

Out he came and the rest is history.

And there you have it. The birth story.


(Excuse the look of death on my face. That's what delivering a baby will do to you.)

The Graduate

This happened last week.

Not only did it involve me wearing a cap and gown

But it also involved a very old Chinese man..

who wore a very long royal type robe,

with a train,

carried by a girl in a robe,

escorted by men with long staffs,

and a very large gold stick.

He was the Chancellor

(king of graduation ceremonies?)

And we had to bow to him as we walked across the stage after our name was called.

I almost pee'd myself.

And as I looked around the room,

at my fellow peers and graduates,

I thought..

"the faculty of science people are total freaks"

Like, imagine all of those really nerdy people in your high school honors science or math classes..

all in one room.

as adults.

yikes.

Accents

I'm kind of a fan of anyone with an accent now..

because you know, americans dont have accents..

(insert sarcasm)

Fran is from chile,

living in the states..

another fellow expat..

only flipped..

but not from the UK..

you get it.

And for all you army wives out there..

this girl is for you.

*******

Hi everyone!

I'm Fran from FreeBorboleta.

I'd like to say I have an awesome purpose for my blog but I really don't.

I blog about random things in my kind-of-random life.

I like to talk about my amazing husband and mother, friends, the pups, Nutella, Pinterest,

my college adventures, college football and food because honestly... who doesn't love food? 

and my panda hat. What can I say? I'm kind of obsessed with my Panda hat.

Let's be friends. Mk? Mk. Cool :)

 

 

 

 

****

go here

Bloggers "Firsts" - "Is that Beyonce?"

I have my fellow American expat here,

except she chose eastern europe

instead of the UK..

but i guess considering she teaches english..

and English is the first language in the UK (so they say...)

she isn't really needed here..

unless her teaching involved just entertaining me..

then she is needed here in the UK..

************

My first live performance

First of all, after having looked at the above photo, let me just say -- I know what you're thinking.  'Is that Beyonce?'  'Her skin looks lighter....' 'Why is she dancing in a bathroom?' 'Was this, like, backstage before a show or something?'  

That's me in the photo, but...  I'm not Beyonce.  It's true!  I can't sing.  I'm not married to Jay-Z.  I'm not pregnant.  The last time I checked, I wasn't bootylicious.  Kanye doesn't think I have one of the best videos of all time.  Oh, and I'm Caucasian (like that really matters).  My name is actually Jenni Austria Germany.  But you're not the first to mistake me for Beyonce.  And I'm sure you won't be the last.

See, I try to be Beyonce all the time.  For example, if I know I'm about to cross paths with an ex-boyfriend and need a little confidence booster, I'll listen to 'Get Me Bodied' a few times while getting ready.  If I'm in line at the airport and need to channel my inner Sasha Fierce (because you need all kinds of fierceness to get through the airport these days), I'll give 'Diva' a listen on my iPod.  And instead of exercising, I've been known to pop in one of Beyonce's concert DVDs (yes, I do own every one of them, thank you very much) and practice the choreography.  FYI:  This work-out is far more enjoyable than your average Jillian Michaels routine and it burns just as many calories.  Trust me.  Anyway, one of those DVDs just so happens to play a big role in the story I'm sharing with you today...

It was the summer of 2010.  I was living in Vienna, Austria.  During this particular week, I was house-sitting for a friend.  It was a Monday evening and I had to be at work early the next morning so I didn't feel like going out or meeting up with friends.  Instead, I put on my favorite black leotard, found the black heels to match and headed upstairs to the TV room (totally normal, right?).  I put my favorite Beyonce DVD in the player and cued up Single Ladies.  Not only do I know this entire routine forwards and backwards, but it's my favorite one to dance to.  It had been over a year since I'd first learned the moves but I still knew each and every step by heart (because, as my friend and fellow-Beyonce lover, Sally, says, "Some things in life are just too important to forget").  

After a couple of run-throughs, my heart was pumping and my forehead was sweating.  I decided to move a fan into the room (Beyonce always performs with fans on stage, why shouldn't I do the same?).  I also decided to open a window.  And I turned up the volume, too, just for good measure.  I did the dance again and again and again...and then again for a grand finale.  After I felt sufficiently worked-out (not to mention pretty pleased with myself for nailing that routine time and time again), I decided to shut the window and go back downstairs.  And that's when I saw them.  The neighbors.  

That's right, the Austrian family who lived next door had gathered in the bedroom adjacent to my 'concert room' and they were staring at me, mouths agape.  At that moment, every ounce of Sasha Fierceness escaped me.  I hit the floor and crawled away.  I actually crawled all the way out of the room and almost crawled down the stairs, too, until I realized I had long since escaped their line of vision.  I didn't return to the TV room to shut the window.  I don't think I even turned off the TV.  And the next morning, when it was time to go to work, you better believe I sprinted (not walked, not ran -- sprinted) past the neighbor's house.  

That was my first live performance.  A couple weeks later, my second live performance (of the same dance, coincidentally) took place in a totally different location.  But I'll save that story for the next time Megan's away.

Bloggers "Firsts"- "Gassing" in front of your significant other

Ahnika and I are best friends for multiple reasons..

1. she sends me bomb care packages

2. she demonstrates, via skype, the positions her vag waxer makes her get into

and 3. she tells me about what to expect from breastfeeding with inverted nipples

(book illustrations included)

 

Her "first" had me laughing out loud.

*****

i want to begin by saying that megan specifically asked me to write about this topic...

there is a first time for everything, right?

gassing in front of your boyfriend is no exception to this rule.

grant and i had been dating almost a year when he flew out from boston to santa barbara to visit me during summer break. 

we hadn't dropped the L bomb,

we could make out for hours,

and my face was fuller.

flatulence had been avoided at all costs up to this point and i had no intention of changing that.

but on special occasions,

the body forgets your preferences and speaks for itself.

we were in the room that grant was using and my sister and i started to wrestle.

girls wrestling? that's weird. 

yeah, it was.

 grant was there being entertained by the strange faux-fight taking place,

and the room was by no means large.

suddenly,

a silent burst of warm air leaped out of my backside. 

i froze.

surely my sister would know my crime in a matter of seconds.

would she ignore it?

no.

it could not be ignored.

the pungent smell creeped into her nostrils with such a fire that she couldn't help but scream,

"OH GROSS!! AHN YOU FARTED."

it was an SBD* of epic proportions.

there was no hiding from it.

i was outed and forever lost in my shame.

for who could ever learn to love a beast?

as it turned out, grant could.

we've been married 3.5 yrs and made a baby (albeit still in my womb) together.

the gassing goes on,

but it's a two way street.

and it makes us laugh (and occasionally cry) a lot.

*when i told megs and stephen this story over skype i had to explain to stephen that SBD means Silent But Deadly...foreigners 

 just a couple of kids reclining on some tree roots in the summer of 2005

****


do yourself a favor and check out her blog here

Bloggers First- "does anyone have binaca??"

SO..

I dont want to brag or anything..

but Bridget and I are basically bffs.

It's a fact.

I'm just publicly announcing it.

We have late night chat sessions while baby Parker is on the boob

long streams of e mails..

we get personal..

no big deal.

Now she is about to get personal with you..

with her amazing first kiss story that i'm pretty sure most of the poor teenagers living inside us can relate to..

*********

When Megan took talking about our first time in the sack off the table, I was really close to bagging the whole guest-posting deal and being like, "Why you hatin' on fornicatin'?"  But, I like Meg, so I stuck around and I'll talk about a way less juicy first, but still a fun one.

My first kiss.

Like first first.  Not first with Steve.  Cause first with Steve (and that's my husband for those who don't know me) wasn't that earth-shattering.  I mean, it blew my mind cause he was the man formerly known as (not Prince, folks) my professor.  And he was a great kisser and all.  But, it's not like a major story.

Neither is my first kiss, really, but it has all the anxious drama of a seventh-grade-crush so I figure it's a worth a share.

So, like I said, I was in seventh grade.  My only kiss story prior to this was in fourth grade when my boyfriend (and then, that meant I like stole his hat during recess and we passed notes back and fourth) kissed me on the cheek at the D.A.R.E. dance.  I was dressed as Pebbles Flinstone and he was a werewolf and at the time IT WAS THE BIGGEST THING THAT'D EVER HAPPENED TO ME.

Anyway, fast forward.  Seventh grade.  Another dance.  This time it's a birthday party at a rented-out hall (lucky bitches, the ones whose parents loved them enough to rent out a hall for their birthday party). I am in seventh-grade-LOVE with a boy named John.  Everybody knows this, including him, and my friend Carly comes up to me all, "Hey, you wanna hook-up with John tonight?"  Nervous giggle.  "Yeah!"  (Oh my gosh, did I really just say yeah is he gonna say yeah back oh my gosh what if he doesn't want to kiss me back oh my gosh how do i kiss do i just open my mouth and move my tongue around what if his braces cut my tongue oh my gosh does anyone have binaca i need some right now just in case this happens and what song will play when we finally do this thing).  That was the stream of conciousness of a seventh grade girl about to have her first kiss in case you didn't know.

So, Carly talks to John.  There was always a go-between then, you know?  So, as I was saying, Carly talks to John who says yes and then she comes back to talk to me who says, "OMG," and then it's decided.  The next slow song, he's asking me to dance.  So, all the girls shuffle into the bathroom where I totally get Binaca'd up and I go back out there, sweaty-palmed and all, ready for my first kiss.

The next slow song starts.  My knees are weak.  It's Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On."  Since I can't be with Leo (that's DiCaprio), it might as well be John.  He asks me to dance.  My palms are sweaty.  I say yes.  We start dancing with all the kissing-committee-members around us watching and waiting for us to lock lips.  Sure enough, we do.  Totally the mouth-stuck-together-tongues-swishing-around thing.  As I look back I'm like, "Really Bridge?!  You kissed that way?"  Yes.  Didn't we all?

And that was it.  I walked out of that rented hall with my head held a little higher.  Girlfriend had lost her kissing virginity.  Now out of my way, folks!  Got a bona-fide kisser comin' through!

******

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